The perpetrator should retain the responsibility for all acts of domestic violence. However, the victim is often the one that has to leave home or take action to avoid repeated offenses. This is the wrong way around altogether and it’s not good enough!
If an individual is responsible for an act of domestic violence, then it’s time for the community to teach these individuals how to control themselves, lets intervene at the cause. Protecting the victims is vital but doing that alone is just a band aid to the cause.
Victims need to be cared and provided for and kept safe, especially in the immediate aftermath, but let face the facts and get real, it’s not their fault.
We need to teach self-control early in life. Teaching emotional fitness is the long-term answer, each and every one of us should be held accountable not only after events but beforehand as well.
Emotional control or keeping your temper is a responsibility we need to teach everyone. Men who have a family history have a more difficult time but there is no excuse. No one can stop people feeling these emotions but keeping your temper is vitally important, individuals have to learn and practice how to manage their reactions. We have all felt those explosive feelings.
No matter what you think, feel or believe there are limits, you must not hit anyone or verbally abuse anyone, leave alone your family.
Violence of any kind occurs when there is something wrong in the perpetrators psyche. The default position for all humans is kindness. All healthy humans seem to know what is, and what is not, good. The specifics are taught to us by our parents, peers and elders when we are young.
But the basics of these lessons come from our values which are founded on our basic need to give to others, be social, the need to be able to live in a tribe or group or a family. We intrinsically know we need to contribute to the greater good of the group, and override our own needs on occasion, to survive. Our DNA says we want to belong.
All crime will one day be a health issue, but for the moment domestic violence needs to be addressed at the cause and that is early education and development of emotional fitness. If it requires any more than this is a mental health issue.
Mindfulness is like an exercise, if everyone were to examine themselves, their own minds and understand that emotional reactions are separate and are our responsibility, the impact would dramatic.
I watch too many people lost in their emotions, feelings of “its not fair” overwhelming them. It’s a selfish approach which is primal and not suitable for living in a society or group of any kind.
Domestic violence is caused by a lack of self-awareness and therefore a lack of self-control. A set of bad childhood experiences and bad role models will contribute to this but its not carved in stone and can be changed. Conscious will is required. We need to teach this to all.
Can you imagine what our society would be like if we halved the number of temper driven crime. If we were able to educate enough people, mostly men, to take a breath, take your time before responding, look at the big picture, know that everything is temporary, own your own mistakes.
Domestic violence and much more is explored in my new book called “The Answer is You”, out later in 2020. It examines the principals of emotional fitness and self-responsibility along with mindfulness, cognitive behaviour and the art of coming from a position of purpose.
Feel free to share and until next time...the answer is you!
Tony Steven
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